The past 18 months I have struggled with myself. A lot of good things happened and a lot of
bad things happened. With the continued
support of my husband and work I have had a couple of moments in January and Feb
where I have felt completely happy.
Often at the oddest moments being in the passenger seat of the car with
my Husband driving. My husband trying to
teach me the exact dynamics of ‘Australian Humour’ which is the finer details
and execution of sarcasm. (*More subtle,
intellectual, and power game-y than you would think) Talking with my friend
Paloma more hung-over than a hung-over thing, and shrieking the phrase “I can’t
breathe without you”, and laughing hysterically.
I have mentioned before that I ran a half marathon a week
and a bit ago. I wasn’t so great with
training because essentially I am pretty lazy but the Saturday before I did run
11 miles and a half marathon is 13.1 so I didn’t collapse on the day. Running is great way to get your fitness up,
challenge yourself mentally physically but most of all get you in tune with
your own body. One of the things about
running is the stark fact that you are introducing your mind with your
body. You are learning the limitations
of what you can do and what you can’t do.
It is surprising what your body can do and what an amazing tool it
is. I know for me those last two miles
on that half marathon I really got myself in a funk and I had halfway convinced
myself that I couldn’t do it, let alone a whole marathon. The thing is with a race is that once you
enter it you don’t really have much of a choice but to finish it, and when I
was thinking that I couldn’t run or walk any more I passed a woman being
wheeled into an ambulance. That really
pulled my socks up and I finished in 2hours and 30mins. I am constantly surprised but how much inner
strength I really do have and also how much in life I really can do. There were so many things that I thought I
couldn’t do and didn’t even try to attempt, but running is slowly changing my
mind about that.
I have reached the age where I am happier with myself than I
have ever been at any point of my life.
I have also never been as fat and wrinkly but I have never been as
confident. That is the key which makes
all the difference. While I was
torturing myself that Saturday during my 11 miles, my mind turned to a friend
who is going through some tough times at the moment. One of her major issues is that she thinks
that she is fat, at the moment she is incredibly thin but still unhappy. She is also in her 30s, so at an age where
her confidence should be picking up. But
somehow this hasn’t happened. I wasted
so much time in my twenties worrying about my weight my looks, and I lost out
on a lot of joy during that time of my life.
I am horrified about the wasted years that I have spent and pretty much
everyone has spent about worrying about their appearance. The sad thing about what my friend is going
through is that it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her or, her husband
tells her or, her friends tell her how great she is, as she is. If she doesn’t believe it herself it’s not
going to take root in her head. It
needs to come from within her, not from other people, not from make-up, not by
how much she weighs.
I don’t know where this concept came from that we had to be
perfect. That we all have to look like
supermodels to function properly in life.
That we have to be beautiful to be happy. When the astounding fact is being beautiful
is no guarantee of a happy good life.
Nor is it fair concept that being good looking equates intelligence or
having a great personality. It promises
none of these things. There is only one
person I know who is truly beautiful inside and out and it’s a guy and yes he
was a former model! Everyone else as far
as I am concerned is unbalanced beauty wise outside and in. So this concept is WRONG and as soon as we
start shaking ourselves out of this comparison thinking the sooner we can go
out and start being a lot happier.
I love beauty and fashion and all of those superficial
things to do with appearance but I know that these social/material constructs
are a tool to help present myself better to world. I don’t use it as a stick to beat myself up
with, or to make myself feel better, or boast my confidence, which I think so
many people make the mistake of doing.
Sorry major rant but this is something that is close to my
heart.
What are you guys dealing with? Same or different? Any of you runners out there? Love to hear
some stories.
Thanks for reading
Carrie x
